I'm thinking of deleting this journal.

Just too many memories of him I think.

God, please if this is what he wants then let him be happy. But just don't make me suffer through this much longer.

I want to die I want to die I want to die.

xxx

Dodgy photoshoot and Day One of lectures complete.

I have freshers flu.

And my dad called me ugly.

Sometimes I wonder why I fucking bother. He continually amazes me with his ability to be a complete cunt at the exact moments when I just need to be left the fuck alone.

I KNOW it was dodgy, I DON'T trust the guy I'm working for and I'm going into this eyes wide open that I could end up in some seedy magazine. But I am so desperate for the money that I don't care. The last thing I needed was my dad being a prick, reiterating points that I already know and then calling me ugly.

Seriously, from now on he can do what he wants. I will have nothing more to do with him.

Prepare to shit yourself laughing! Thank you to one_cup_of_tea for this, it's seem me through many a dark moment XD


ADGAJDGAJHDGHJFGDSOooooh shit XD

In anycase!

The introductory lectures were as bland as I expected them to be. Same shit that I already knew. On the plus side I got talking to a few people and they tolerated my company well enough so I'm pleased.

The Freshers Fair was buzzing and I'm hoping to get involved with J-Soc and the Looprevil Student Paper. If I'm going for it I may as well throw myself into head first!

The Doctors went well. I finally got referred to a therapist! Yaaaaaay! I've got to go back on the Fluoxetine though, but it's a small price to pay. I changed my pill again too. Fucking thing...

More tomorrow! Mad love!

I am late :D

Sorry sorry sorry! But since when have I ever been on time with these things? The 12th of never! That's when. In any case, late but as promised, here are my goals:

1) Lose MOAR weight. I can never lose too much weight.
2) Stay on top of Uni work while I've got my act together.
3) See if I can beat the Anxiety for good this time. Get it gone and keep it gone!
4) Start getting to bed at a decent time, except when partying.
5) Party MOAR.
6) Update my wardrobe.
7) Last but not least, try to listen to that little voice in the back of my head that admits when I'm wrong in an argument.

I went to register yesterday and after all the horror stories about queues out the door and two hour long waits I was pleasantly surprised that I was in and out in half an hour! Lucky me! I look disgusting on my Student ID though. I'm sorely tempted to loose it. I honestly look like an angry butch lesbian. If that's what you're into, great, but it's not the look I usually try to convey D:

I've got my welcome meeting tomorrow at 10 and I'm bricking it coz I have nothing to wear, as per usual. The kittens keep pouncing on anything I take out the wardrobe and I swear I'd lose it with them if I wasn't so amused by their cuteness. <3 Little fluffballs.

Anyway, I THINK I've got everything ready. I T-H-I-N-K.... There's always something isn't there? D:

Wish me luck!

xxx

I felt the need to let you all know that I haven't expired. I am more then alive.

I know I've been neglecting my LJ and it sucks. In the time since I've last posted I've had two jobs in Wigan, moved back to Liverpool, gone on holiday and got all my Uni stuff finalised before registration on saturday. All I have to do now is register on Saturday.

I've got a job interview tomorrow followed by a night on the tiles and after that I've got freshers week and hopefully a job to look forward to. Bar work, again, but thats really all I want.

The anxiety I'm sad to say has returned, but I'm holding off going to the doctors again. I'm going to go for the good old exercise, hard work and hard play routine and see how it goes. I don't want to be this useless forever, you know? I want to be a better, more intelligent person. I want to grow.

Tomorrow I'm posting a list of my goals. Tell me if I'm being a tit about it, alright?

I love you all. You make me feel like I've just had warm soup on a winters night ^-^
xxx

Leave a comment and I’ll respond with 5 questions so I can get to know you better. Update your own journal with the questions, giving your answers. Include this explanation and offer to ask other people questions.

These stolen from

1. Favourite food?

Now THIS is a toughie! I love food, my expanding waistband confirms this. But it's so hard to decide on a favourite! I guess it's a tie between Chinese buns (ANY BUN!) and noodles in any way, shape or form ^o^. I can't get enough of them! I HATE seafood though.

2. Favourite item of clothing?

At the moment it's my gorgeous new pink maxi dress. It's three different vertically graduating shades of pink and with a crumpled effect. It has an ethnic pattern on it (INCLUDING BUTTERFLIES! <3) and gold glitter detailing on the patterns. It makes me look slim! <3 I wear it with my gladiator flats, my butterfly waist belt and gold accessories. I like to curl my hair and put a pink corsage in it ^-^

3. If you could go anywhere, where would it be and why?

Hong Kong, definitely.  I had the best times there and I'd love to do it again. I was never cold, never bored and always doing something. The place just didn't stop and it suited me down to the ground. Oh and the food was amazing! And the men were SEXY!

4. If you invented a cocktail (alcoholic or non-alcoholic), what would be in it and what would you call it?

It would be called the Nabi Sundae and consist of Creme de Fraise, Vanilla vodka cream liqueur, Cherry Brandy and Champagne. Trust me it will work!

5. What do you picture yourself doing in ten years' time?

I honestly don't know. I can't picture myself in ten years time at all, that means I'd have to pictue myself growing old! If I was going to give a hopeful answer I could picture myself as a college lecturer whilst running my own dojang too. Maybe I'd have settled down and punched out a couple of kids but I'd still dress right and get my hair and nails done. I can't see myself as a conventional housewife or office worker though. I want a career that would force me to expand my horizons and maybe travel a little. If the japanese gig works out for me then hopefully I could lecture in a foreign language. I'd be all old and ugly though D: Fail.

Any takers people?!

xxx

Type in the following and choose from the first description found.

Be honest, don't just pick one out to be funny.

1: Type in "[your first name] needs" in the Google search:
"Louise Needs Professional Help" Hahaha! Ain't that the truth!

2: Type in "[your first name] looks like" in Google search:
"Lady Louise looks like she has come out of her earlier traumas just fine." They're right y'know o.o Why that bit is in italics is beyond me, btw!

3: Type in "[your first name] hates" in Google search:
"Louise hates smelly men that smell of cheese and onion crisps." Holy shit, this is spooky!

4: Type in "[your first name] goes" in Google search:
"Louise goes wild in the aisles after win." I probably would if I ever fucking won anything.

5. Type in "[your first name] loves" in Google search:
"Louise loves Roy" I do not love Beckys boyfriend you LIAR!

6: Type in "[your first name] eats" in Google search:
"LOUISE eats ghosts 木を抱き締める愛" Well, I don't eat them. I'm not Pacman.

7: Type in "[your first name] has" in Google search:
"Louise has a nasty cold" Gah! Only days ago this would have been accurate!

8: Type in "[your first name] works" in Google search:
"Louise works with Palestinian refugees." Good for her! And her husbands at it as well, apparently.

9: Type in"[your first name] lives" in Google search:
"Louise lives a dream as career in TV beckons" Oh if only! I might be able to afford getting me nails done!

10: Type in "[your first name] died" in Google search
"Louise died from a joy that kills. How exactly did she die?" ERM, HEH-LLO? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TELLING ME!

xxx

Bed bed bed!!!( This way for PICTURES! )

xxx

I've got all my stuff moved in and set up! ^o^

It feels good, I can actually call this place home now and it feels like it. Even if it is in Wigan T_T Ah well! Being around Drew on a more permanent basis has really cheered me up. My anxiety has gone and I'm finding the energy to sort out a lot of the paperwork that otherwise would have just gone ignored XD Well, you know what I'm like!

Other then learning how to be a housewife (T_T) I've been taking loads of pictures! The following post will be fairly image heavy so from here on in...

( STOP! Cut time... )

Last night Craig, Jayne and Johnny turned up on Drews doorstep while I thought I was dying of PMS (It has been HORRIFIC lately) They kindly picked us all up some Burger King and Booze and then stayed on playing cards and drinking wine till about 6:30. It was a RIOT. Needless to say, it pretty much descended into a game of strip chase the ace which funnily both me and Jayne lost. Hmmm...I wonder how THAT happened? -_-" Stupid cheating bastards! Thankfully I don't have any pictures of that to send you! I'd had a bit of wine as well so even if they were cheating theres no way I can remember. Aiya!

Also, can anyone tell me how on earth I'm supposed to roast a chicken? I bought a big one for a roast this sunday and I'll be perfectly honest with you, I haven't got a clue what I'm doing D: I can see this ending badly!!

Oh! I finally joined the Red Neko Gals forum, yaaaaay! Everyones a fair bit younger then me but they're all total sweethearts and, of course, dead pretty. How nice it must be to be young ;-; I feel like an old lady!!

I'm off to practise roasting on some chicken thighs now so wish me luck. Honestly. I am almost officially a housewife. This is the pits!

xxx

Oh God...my sides.... XD

xxx

GAH! Girls' Generation is playing on repeat in my head for the 70th day running T_T Help me!

Well on Thursday I'm moving to the Wigan for good, God help me. I'm tying up a few loose ends in Liverpool tomorrow then afterwards I should be all set. I'm a little bit excited ^-^ I wonder how long it will take for me and Drew to give in and just actually kill each other?


I'm slightly rage-y today since my Jobseekers has been cancelled for good this time and I'm going to have to call the bank and vodafone tomorrow just to shut them up. I don't know how many times these people need telling that I HAVE no more money to give them. The answer seems to be, as always, at least once more.

I'm getting pretty desperate. I'd strip and suck cocks if I honestly thought people would pay good money to see me naked but I know all too well that this isn't the case.  At least my sudden change of address might confuse them enough that I don't hear from them for a few days T_T

On a lighter note I've cleared my wardrobe out and now I'm starting on my paperwork and such. I'll just shred all the things I don't need anymore and take the essentials with me. I know it sounds daft but I want to take my own stuff like my Kokeshi dolls and my pictures. I was talking to Robyn about this before and I came to the conclusion that I need my own things around me, otherwise it's going to be like just staying over at Drews for an extended period of time.

Now, you may be wondering how I got from my last post to this. Well, long story actually. The short version is Drew had convinced himself that we wouldn't work out since the distance was a pain in the arse, he didn't want to leave Wigan and he assumed I wouldn't want to leave Liverpool. He assumed wrong. We have a house there all to ourselves and it seems mad to stay in Liverpool while my parents are struggling to feed themselves, nevermind making them keep a roof over my jobless head. So with this, I shall be branching out on my own once more. Except I won't be on my own. I'll be with Drew. ^-^

I've been thinking about joining the specials or doing some other volunteer work over there, if only so I can keep busy and make new friends. I'm coming back to Liverpool for Kuk Sool and once uni starts, if I'm not driving again by then, I'm sure I'll figure something out. I want to make this work. Even if it doesn't I at least want to say that I've tried!

xxx

He knew when I said "If you get on that train and leave then you're not coming back" that I wasn't fucking with him. I meant it.

And he got on anyway.

I would love to have ignored how he spoke to me today, but I wouldn't let anyone at all be that rude to me. Flipping on me because I tried to have sex with him? No, I'm sorry, it just doesn't wash. Something is seriously wrong when your boyfriend (EX-boyfriend) turns you down when you're cuddling in bed together. And turns you down in a REALLY rude way.

He made all the decisions himself. It didn't have to be like this but it's how he chose to let it play. Well fine, best of luck to him. Hear this.

He will never get ANYTHING this good ANYWHERE else.

So for the first time in....since I can remember I'm single. I guess this means more time to spend on my nails and hair.

xxx

Things have been pretty mixed recently. I've been busy that's for sure.

I'm free from the Abbey thanks to Drew who helped me out again. I just have to wait another day to close the account and I'm sorted. Also, I'm officially the worst girlfriend in the world ever. I didn't even have the money to get him a birthday present. I don't want to talk about that right now. >.<

In other news the panic attacks are back with avengence. I'm back on the happy pills, dosage to be upped next month so they can start councelling and CBT.  I don't care what they do, so long as they stop the anxiety. I used to be really against the anti depressants but now I just don't care. I'll try anything that helps.

I'm still having to take sleeping pills, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night and I'm exhausted. I just hope I'm not getting addicted to them. The last thing I need is something else to worry about.

I'm still unemployed but I'm rolling with the maths tutoring and I still intend to take the NATS exam, simple because it's something to do. I mean for christsake I got turned down for a bar job today. It's not like I don't have any experience. Besides, they could train a monkey to do it. How badly does that suck!?

The good news is that JMU have given me an unconditional offer to study Japanese and International Business. I'm really psyched that I'm guaranteed a Uni course in September! I still haven't heard from Liverpool Uni but either way I'll be happy with what I get. Kuk Sool is going really well and I'm going to start on Fan Blades again on Wednesday. I can't wait! I think I'm improving but I'm still a mediocre student at best. I want to work harder.

Honestly though, I don't know how much more of this anxiety I can cope with. It's clear that my parents aren't taking it seriously and this morning made it painfully clear to me that no matter how much I think I need peoples help I will have to cope with this on my own. I don't mind standing on my own two feet. It's just not ideal right now.

I really, really hate being abandoned.

Why did you kill four eyes? ;-;

I mean I know WHY you killed him. I just wish you'd never come up with it! I shall have my revenge!

Also, Kwang Jah Nim came back to class! I have a Master again! And PSBN Richie was given a very welcome break ^_^

xxx

What it says on the tin people. Us Brits are loving it!

I have spent the day being tutored, tired and typing. It has been most fulfilling. I finally got my hands on some hard as nails to help my poor girls recover from the abuse of acrylic nails. I gave myself a mini manicure but I still can't wait to get my acrylics back on. I feel so listless without them D:

I am skint though. Maybe I should take to whoring myself out for monies? Without telling the boyf of course >.<

xxx

1. Put your Windows Media Player on shuffle. (Or iTunes)
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 friends who might enjoy doing the same as well as the person you got the note from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Tokyo Boogie

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Wake me up

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The Extreme

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
The One

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Androgynous Girls

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
~*For Him*~

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Can’t speak French

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Out from Under

WHAT IS 2+2?
Guilty Conscience

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Kill me.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
If I had You

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Closer

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Dreamland.

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Xiaoyu Fight Stage

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Toxic. XDDDDD

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Westward of Time.

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Decision on the Dock.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Technique of Relief.

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
A Tree in the Dark.

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Good luck.

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Lonely Nights.

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Crazy Fool.

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Long Kiss Goodbye.

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Tea House Moon.

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Sparkle.

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Superstylin’.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Guide Me.

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Turn to Stone.

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Let’s Make a Night to Remember.

HAHAHAHAA! Thanks Becky!

xxx

I hate being poor...

I had to take my acrylics off on Thursday night and I don't mind admitting to you I actually cried. I had to pluck my own eyebrows and since I couldn't afford to get my hair done my own mother had to pay for me.

I look like a hobo.

I HATE this! I've got no job, I look like a scruff and I'm down about the probability that I'm not going to pass the NATS exam. I don't think I'll be an Air Traffic Controller anytime soon ;-;.

More to the point, I've moved back to Liverpool so I can hang out with my friends again and since I did this I've been out once. Not even on a night out. I'm clearly a case of out of sight out of mind and yeah, you're damn right I'm pissed off about it. I get back from the back of beyond (Wigan) and I haven't ha so much as a "Do you fancy a drink?" If I realised I was THIS unpopular I would have stayed where I was, the hamsters would have been better fucking company.

And they're dead!

On the plus, Kuk Sool is becoming regular again and I'm using my £10 a week to make sure I get to class. We're all agreed that we need to bring in extra classes, even if it's just informal training in someones back garden or something. Kwang Jah Nim didn't turn up for class this week. When is this going to end? We've only booked the leisure centre up until next Wednesday and after that we're not even sure if we have a class anymore. Something needs to be sorted out FFS!

I'm thinking about Korea 2010 and I'm desperate to go. There is an actual Kuk Sool degree in a Korean Universities and I'd give my left arm to be able to go over and take it but it's probably just a pipedream. How am I meant to make that happen when I'm not sure I can afford to pay my own phonebill this month? I'm so lucky I'm living at home atm.

I'm fresh off the pill so you'll forgive me if I'm feeling a bit down and tired. I think I just need something to punch. After next Wednesday I might not even have that!

Lets wave goodbye to the old and bring the new in, in style! <3
xxx